Clinical Depression

Seeing as this is basically a family and friend blog, I feel safe in sharing something you all pretty much know anyways. I battle depression. It's been a real issue in my life since I was a 12. I can almost pinpoint the exact moment in my childhood when I knew that I was genuinely depressed, though I didn't know that word yet. I just knew that every kid wasn't having those moments of deep black sadness, or if they did, not as often or deeply as I did. The Lord has always brought friends into my life through all my years, who helped me, who made me see the humor in things, who encouraged me to keep going, who told me I would be okay and who sometimes, kicked my butt when they needed to.

I've always thought it ironic that when I'm not battling this black shadow called depression I am happy, bubbly, with a sense of humor and true my-glass-is-half-full mentality. My usual personality is not melancholy. and I rarely am lonely, or feel lonely, when I'm just being me. For one thing I LOVE people and when I'm "being me" I seek people out, connect with them, join with them and enjoy. I enjoy just watching strangers walk by me in  a mall while I sit in a coffee shop savoring a mug of coffee.

Then the depression times come. I feel like it's a disease that makes me not able to be really me, it makes me afraid, anxious, sad and sooooo nervous. I'm jumpier than a cat whose had his tale slammed in the door one too many times. I see myself differently when I'm depressed. I look in the mirror and feel ugly. Suddenly I see wrinkles and grey hairs and hate my hair and the shape of my nose - you name it. When I am depressed going out into the public can be agonising and sooo stressful. A simple trip to the grocery store can cause me to be so anxious I have a painful knot in my stomach. I feel agitated, I don't want to meet people's eyes, I become convinced that when I speak, I am making a fool of myself or that they think I'm a blathering idiot.

 Me who normally LOVES to see someone she knows, and chatting with them is the HIGHEST point of my day, is suddenly nervous and forcing a smile, making excuses to move on. I am glad to see them, but I'm terrified of embarassing myself or them someone seeing the secret of how I really feel inside at that moment. The more nervous I get, the more I stumble on my words or stutter. Having my depression spill out into the public, in front of total strangers is one of my greatest fears. That I won't keep it in. That I won't manage to smile at this woman I think is sweet and fascinating, who I would normally ask to go out for coffee if this black cloud wasn't hovering over my head. I feel like if I can keep this monster roped in, hidden, I am have achieved some victory.

I think everyone feels these times occasionally, but when you have clinical depression ( recurring and lasting for longer periods of time) it comes more often. Some poor souls feel this way 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. For some it is completely crippling their lives. The real person they are, is hidden, behind the dark cloud of depression and anxiety.

I am blessed. I have days, whole days, whole weeks, whole months, where depression is either not shown it's ugly little head or that I've successfully beaten it back before it even made itself a comfortable bed in my home. It is not my daily " friend" and I have a lot of " tools" at my disposal, to head it off at the pass. I've had the blessing of some wonderful counsellors who taught me tools and educated me in this battle. The best lesson they taught me is DON'T DO THIS ALONE.

You see, when I feel the depression coming , my tendency is to warn everyone in the house and run for cover. Sometimes at that point, I can't talk about it, most of the time, I only have this vague sense of impending doom but its hard to explain how it feels . I want to run and hide, preferably under my covers, with my favorite teddy bear, my favorite red fuzzy blanky, and my favorite comfort movie playing. I want to shut everyone out, even just for a while. To try to head it off  before it's so bad that I can't form complete sentences. When hubby or friend asks me " Why?" it's frustrating. Because my depression times are sometimes set off by a big bad occurence, a traumatic event but most of the times I'm not sure of the WHY. I just suddenly feel like the ceiling is coming down, the walls are closing and I must climb into a hole and be safe. Gosh if I knew why, maybe I could stop it somehow. But sometimes it's just there. I know vaguely that a lot and lot of stress in life is definitely a factor. Seeing as it is impossible to eliminate stress, I stuck with stress.

I'm angry at depression. It's like living entity that I would dearly love to kick out of my life. I disown you, depression. I divorce you. I cut you out of my will. Okay I don't have a will, but you get my drift.

I don't like the depressed me. I like what I consider the real me. I like my sense of humor ( I even tell jokes to myself) I love the smallest things of beauty and spend much of my life watching for those moments of beauty and then feeling total joy. I love watching my favorite movies, reading my favorite books, doing my favorite crafts. I love all my hobbies. I love my family, and being with my family. I have the most wonderful kids and grandchildren . ( and I really mean that, I didn't just write that because you're reading this) I have a sister whom I consider The Best Woman I've Ever Known. My mom is still alive in my life, in spite of her eccentricities ( we'll call it that) I do find joy in knowing , yes she is still there. I have nieces and nephews and their spouses and I even have a great niece and nephew.

I have a lot of things to be happy about it, and too look forward to. So when that black toxic cloud of depression seeps in( or crashes into me) I am soo frustrated. It's like a dark bubble around me. I try to reach past it. I try to talk myself out of it. I read the bible and pray. ( both of which help as much as any medications and therapy) Sometimes I shout at it, " Leave me alone!" I can literally say " I was perfectly HAPPY until YOU came along"

I am battling through this. I wanted to tell all of you, that NOT ONE of you caused this! All of you have given so much joy to my life! In fact you are all MY JOY. You help me, just by being there. In fact, I've experienced a depression FLEE , gone , while I am doing something with one of you,  or looking at photos of all of you and the dear grands and greats. It happened during this last Christmas. I know some of you were struggling with some "personal issues" and you all went way out of your way to try and make me and James happy, to try to all get along ( at least while we were there lol) and make things go well for us.

It's never any of you, that bring on this monster of black cloud of depression. You can tell me anything , share anything , you never have to shield me from anything in your lives, because you cannot make me depressed. It's not my hero James fault either. It was VERY IMPORTANT to me that you all know that. None of you do anything that " sets me off" or upsets me. None a one of you caused this depression or any of my " flare ups". So tell me everything. Mama wants to know.

The stuff we've been going through in the last year of unbridled hell changes has certainly given both James and I enough stress and worry and fear and all that stuff. Now that I CAN blame. Life throws stuff at us and we don't always handle it the way we'd like to.We're only human. The doctors suspect that a big component of my depression episodes are caused by whatever auto immune disorders I have, compounded by the stress of the whole job-house-injury-loss of my pets thing.

I was praying hard the other day, I mean hard ( nagging God like a cranky toddler) And into my mind came the thought " It will get better. I promise". At which I grumbled and complained more to God. " Excuse me, can't you ever give me a date and time??!!" I went off to chat in my christian chat room, and a woman who I don't even like and rarely chat to suddenly send God had told her to tell me "It will get better. I promise" I had told no one of my early experience so this just stunned me. ( with a side of goosebumps)

So thats my mantra right now ( can Christians have mantras?). A friend on the phone a couple days earlier said " Hon, I hate to tell you this, but you need it. Put on your big girl panties and deal with it princess!" She'd heard that expression on a tv show and thought she'd lovingly pass it on to me.  I roared laughing. I am going to write both in the back of my bible!

So don't worry. Please. I am working with the dr fiddling with some medication to help me through this " rough patch". I am planning to attend a womens bible study with a couple close buddies. I'm going to take a walk every day. Sunshine, flowers and a camera! Or rain, an umbrella and the camera in a waterproof tote. Hmm I'm thinking some red gum boots are needed. It's a start towards helping myself. I'm sure somedays I will be stumbling along, cursing the rain, the weatherman, and the universe in general, but dang it I will walk! Maybe it will start with three blocks. My short term goal is to walk to the mall by summer. My long term goal is to one day do the whole river walk! But right now it's baby steps. With angels beside me.

WUB YOU ALL SO MUCH!!